Body Bags (1993)

Directed by John Carpenter and Tobe Hooper.  Written by Billy Brown and Dan Angel.  Starring John Carpenter, David Naughton, Debbie Harry, Mark Hamill, Robert Carradine, Sam Raimi, Sheena Easton, Stacy Keach, Tobe Hooper, Tom Arnold, Wes Craven and Twiggy.

Plot: a coroner tells us 3 unrelated stories of horror involving his recent cadavers

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  1. Gas Station

A college girl works at an isolated gas station while there’s a serial killer on the loose.  There’s a lot of cool cameos in this story.  I love David Naughton!  It’s a great story.  Very memorable.  There’s good Freddy Claws and it’s totally rewatchable.  The only thing bad about it is that the girl is so stupid.  And while there’s not a particular moral per se, the fact that she puts a job and making money ahead of her own safety is just terrible.  Still, this was our favorite of the 3 stories.

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2. Hair

A man obsessed with his thinning hair tries a special new solution.  He’s horribly stupid though.  He’s got a woman that loves him just as he is and he still goes above and beyond to change his looks.  This story actually does have a moral.  It’s about vanity and the lengths people go to change their outward appearances.  It’s an incredibly effective story and it really freaks me out.

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3. Eye

A baseball player loses an eye in a car accident and gets a transplant from a serial killer.  It has a good cast, but this was our least favorite of the 3 stories.  It’s entertaining and all,  but DJ didn’t like how one eye could take over a whole man and make him do crazy things.

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The wraparound story with John Carpenter in the morgue bumped the movie up some points.  It’s a good anthology though.  We really enjoyed it.

Our score: 68.

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Episode 50 (2011)

Directed by Joe and Tess Smalley.  Written by the Smalleys and Ian Holt.  Starring Josh Folan, Chris Perry, Natalie Wetta and Kieron Elliott.

Plot: 2 TV crews team up for a special episode of a paranormal TV show

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Me and DJ generally love the “inspecting haunted asylum” movies.  Not sure why, but we do.  We have to watch them all and with this one, we were absolutely blown away.  We don’t know why people orgasm at things like Blair Witch, but scoff at this.  I think the people who found Blair Witch scary should shit their pants over this movie.  Me and DJ jumped out of our skin more than once.  I made an inhuman noise or two and DJ got so scared once, he choked on his burger.

The acting is decent most of the time.  It’s also funny and realistic.  After the first horrific and irrational experience, one guy is just like “that’s it, I’m leaving.”  Of course, he can’t.  It’s too late for that.  But he wants to and that’s so true to life.

It was nice to see something using such good special effects to not be gory or rapey or tortury.  The end was excellent.  The story was intriguing.  It established some cool rules and followed through with them.  We would not watch this alone, but we definitely recommend that you guys see it.

Our score: 82.

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6 Movies We Hate

Occasionally, a movie is so terrible that even we can’t watch it – at least not for a second time.  We also don’t feel like going through the same rating rigmarole when we know the movie doesn’t stand a chance of getting anything higher than a 10.  So, every now and again I’ll tell you about some movies we just hated and warn you to stay far, far away.

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  1. Parents (1989)

Not horror, just horrid.  It’s about a little boy who’s afraid of his own parents because they are cannibals.  I don’t recall ever seeing such a dumb piece of crap as this.  The little boy’s a whack job, too, in his own right.  We just don’t understand the point and don’t recommend it.

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2. Pig Hunt (2008)

This is another supposedly dark humor, horror film that doesn’t float our boat.  John and his friends go on a hunting trip and they’re kinda racist.  So, you’re rooting for the boar really and unfortunately, it doesn’t win and the movie sucks.  What’s it trying to tell us?  And why end the movie with a quote from Animal Farm?  Are they really trying to align themselves with Orwell?

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3. The Remains (2016)

The trailer looked good.  The picture above doesn’t look so bad either, but looks can be deceiving.  A family (led by Todd Lowe, who was on Gilmore Girls and really, very good) moves into an old house and discover a chest in the attic that’s haunted.  But it’s terrible.  There’s no rules, no originality, no motive and a very ridiculous script.  It’s so unintentionally funny that it would have gotten a few points, but nothing above a 10 to be sure.

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4. The Slaughter (2006)

Another one we hate was this naked, booby ritual movie where 6 college students cleaning up an abandoned house wake an ancient demon.  The first hour is boring as hell and then the last bit turns into a really sorry version of Evil Dead with zombies and bad jokes.  What the hell were they going for?  We have no idea.

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5. Frankenhooker (1990)

We didn’t except a world class gem here, but we were hoping for a bit of campy fun.  Instead we got this festering turd of a movie that I’m sorry we watched at all.  After his girlfriend is killed in a freak lawnmower accident, a man sets out to “recreate” her using the body parts of hookers.  And you get what you ask for I suppose.

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6. Chillerama (2011)

Honestly, I have to admit that we didn’t even finish watching this movie.  It is gross, disrespectful and quite challenging to enjoy unless you like bathroom humor and jokes about giant sperm.  There is one story called the Diary of Anne Frankenstein.  That’s not okay.  It was as if a 13-year-old boy with neglectful parents made this.  DJ was not pleased.  He’s actually the one who turned it off.

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47 Meters Down (2016)

Directed by Johannes Roberts.  Written by Roberts and Ernest Riera.  Starring Mandy Moore, Claire Holt and Matthew Modine.

Plot: 2 sisters vacationing in Mexico become trapped in a shark cage at the bottom of the ocean

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It’s a shark movie.  If you want a big explanation you should look elsewhere.  Because it’s a shark movie.  It’s about people who are hunted by a shark, just like every other shark movie.  Although, I will say that this one has a lot better acting than most shark movies (aside from Jaws, of course).  The specials were also pretty magnificent.  It never looked superimposed although I’m sure parts were.

For some reason, there’s a large portion of people that either didn’t understand or didn’t like the ending.  To that I say, phooey.  It was a realistic ending.  Really realistic.  And if you don’t understand it, you may need help tying your shoes, too.

We both recommend this one.  It was an entertaining movie.

Our score: 64/100.

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Absentia (2011)

Written and directed by Mike Flanagan.  Starring Catherine Parker, Courtney Bell, Doug Jones, Dave Levine and Justin Gordon.

Plot: 2 sisters discover that a tunnel is the link to several disappearances

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This movie is very hard to describe.  It’s sort of part crime drama, part horror film which is why DJ didn’t really like it.  However, we will say that it is one of the creepiest films we’ve ever sat through.  There is one scare that is particular intense.  And once again, Doug Jones does a hell of a job being creeptastic.

Aside from that, I liked that the main women were realistic.  They weighed like more than 2 ounces and that was cool.  It was also very original, the specials were awesome and the direction was beautifully done.  Still, it did leave a lot to be desired come the end of the movie.

Why them?  Why then?  Why 7 years?  What did it have to do with Billy Goat’s Gruff?  Why didn’t the cops see it?  Why didn’t the trade work?  How could he “get out” only to “go back”?  I know you don’t understand any of this unless you’ve seen the movie, but trust me, once you do, come back and read this and you’ll be asking yourself the same exact questions.

I do recommend it.  DJ doesn’t really.

My score: 52.  DJ’s score: 40.

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Bait (2012)

Directed by Kimble Rendall.  Written by John Kim and Russell Mulcahy.  Starring Xavier Samuel, Julian McMahon, Sharni Vinson, Dan Wyllie, Phoebe Tonkin and Lincoln Lewis.

Plot: a freak tsunami strands shoppers in an Australian supermarket with a hungry Great White shark

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In a supermarket, clerks, shoppers, thieves, cops and a couple who just wants to make out get caught in a shit storm of trouble even before the tsunami shows up.  But once it does, a shark comes with it and then all bets are off.

Surprisingly, this movie was really good.  Really smart.  I’m not used to shark movies (except Jaws of course) being realistic or well done, but this one is.  It’s depressing, but in a good way.  The story is pretty awesome.  The acting is really good, too.  The shark looks killer (pun intended), although the guts and blood look kind of horrific in a bad way.  It’s horrible CGI.

The people were likable.  The story followed rules.  Everyone died that should have died and the dog got to live.  We give it 2 thumbs up and recommend strongly.

My score: 75.  DJ’s score: 69.

“You’re a dog murderer, which is worse than a people murderer!”

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Dracula Untold (2014)

Directed by Gary Shore.  Written by Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless.  Starring Luke Evans, Sarah Gadon, Dominic Cooper, Art Parkinson, Charles Dance and Noah Huntley.

Plot: a young Vlad must become a monster in order to save his people

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In order to save his village and 1,000 boys from being taken and turned into soldiers, Vlad (Evans) willingly drinks the blood of a vampire to give him super strength.  It is in no way historically accurate, but who the hell said it was?

Luke is very nice to look at.  The movie is entertaining and creepy.  All those dead people on spikes are creepy.  The specials were done well.  I thought the story was really good as well.  We both actually recommend this one and DJ doesn’t usually like vampire movies, serious, campy or otherwise.

My score: 65.  DJ’s score: 60.

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Needful Things (1993)

Directed by Fraser C. Heston.  Screenplay written by W.D. Richter, based on the novel of the same name by Stephen King.  Starring Max von Sydow, Ed Harris, Bonnie Bedelia, J.T. Walsh, Amanda Plummer, Don S. Davis and Lochlyn Munro.

Plot: a strange shopkeeper comes to town with seemingly everything everyone needs, but the prices are higher than they expected

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This is a pretty mediocre movie version of a brilliant book.  Everyone in this town comes to this new shopkeeper and he offers then something that they’ve always wanted.  But in exchange for this thing they want, they have to do him a favor.  Some of the favors are easy and I may have even done them myself, but eventually the favors get deeper and darker than anything anyone should ever do.  Still, these people are persuaded to do awful, hateful things.  I mean, one person kills a dog.  Fuck that.

Ed Harris is hot in this and he’s the only sane person in the whole damn town.  The cast was good.  The effects were neat.  I thought it was entertaining enough to recommend it.  Especially to anyone who’s read the book.  But DJ doesn’t recommend it.  He doesn’t believe people could be so easily persuaded.  If they could, we’d be in even more shit than we already are.  And if this man is all devilish, where is God?

My score: 49.  DJ’s score: 37.

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Village of the Damned (1995)

Directed by John Carpenter.  Written by David Himmelstein, based on the book by John Wyndham.  Starring Christopher Reeve, Kirstie Alley, Mark Hamill, Michael Pare, Linda Kozlowski, Meredith Salenger and a very little Thomas Dekker as one of the evil kids.

Plot: 2 doctors battle children who exert deadly mind control over adults

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While this movie has pretty much the same concept of the 1960 version, it lacks the luster and the energy of the first movie.  DJ doesn’t feel sorry for the adults because they decided to have the kids in a time when abortion is quite safe.  Also, they stick to close to God for DJ’s liking.  With all this crazy shit happening, you’d think they’d look somewhere else for answers.  Or maybe that’s when you’re supposed to turn to God.  We wouldn’t know.

All we know is that this was unrealistic.  Someone should’ve shot those bastard kids in the face.  They were too powerful.  It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t fun to watch.  I do like that David got to develop some emotions in this one, but that’s about the only thing that was better.  So, as you can imagine, the points from the first movie have dropped substantially and we don’t really recommend you watch it.

My score: 38.  DJ’s score: 27.

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Village of the Damned (1960)

Directed by Wolf Rilla.  Written by Rilla, Stirling Silliphant and Ronald Kinnoch, based on a novel by John Wyndham.  Starring George Sanders, Barbara Shelley and Martin Stephens.

Plot: super-enhanced children can read minds and control people and do not always use their powers for good

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After a whole village falls asleep for no reason, most of the women wake up pregnant.  The pregnancies are accelerated, as is the growth of the children once they’re outside the womb.  They are also all blond with terrifying glowing eyes.  And they have the power to read minds and control people.

I actually liked this movie.  Really liked this movie.  I thought it was better than The Omen and Rosemary’s Baby put together.  And look at David (the kid in the forefront above), isn’t he adorable.  I mean, he’s a monster, but he’s the cutest little monster I’ve ever seen.

We wish we knew who they were though.  Why they came to Earth.  When they came to Earth.  Also, the end was sad, but we suppose it had to happen.  The Freddy Claws was nice though – the town worked well together.  There was a good script and I loved David.  DJ didn’t like the story that much though, or the rules, so he scored it a bit lower than I did.  But we both recommend for people who like this sort of thing.

My score: 67.  DJ’s score: 43.

“Brick wall.  Brick wall.”

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