Fun Size Horror: Volume One (2015)

Plot: a whole compilation of bite-size horror stories

This is a hard movie to rate.  With over 15 directors and 25 writers, there were a lot of hands in the pot.  And unfortunately it didn’t come out as anything we want to have again.  There was a few good stories mixed in with the bunch, but most of them were bad.  Let’s get them out of the way first.

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******SPOILERS AHEAD******

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Bad Stories

  1. Happy Birthday – a girl gets a puppy for her birthday and then her older dog precedes to bite the puppy’s head off.  Normally, this would be scarring, but instead the little girl laughs and asks to do it again.  The camera pans over to the rest of her presents and you realize she’s gotten more than one puppy for her birthday.  I suppose this is supposed to be funny because its certainly not scary, but we just found the dog on dog violence stupid and cruel.
  2. Bad Eggs – this story was literally about 2 British hand puppets and one eats the other.  The end.  Like, what the fuck?
  3. Somebody’s Watching You – stupid.  Cliche.  A group of girls are being watched and they have to decide which one of them will die or whoever is watching them will decide for them.  Apparently, all the girls have something in common and one of them is cray.  So, it ends poorly.  And the acting is bad.

Of course, there were also some genuine gems in the mix or the movie would’ve gotten a zero, which it didn’t.  Here they are:

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Good Stories

  1. Mother – a pregnant woman goes in for an ultrasound and sees a bunch of spiders inside of her instead of a human baby.  It’s quite gross.  Then, she goes home, turns into a spider herself (again, gross), and kills her boyfriend.  Now, there’s not much point to this, but it’s very well done.  Creeped me out.
  2. Knock, Knock – a little boy hears a knock coming from INSIDE his closet.  Then, you know what this little bastard does, he goes to investigate.  Sure enough, something is in there.  So, he runs back under the covers, but he’s dropped his plastic sword on the floor.  He decides to reach for it and, well, let’s just say that if something’s in the closet, something’s probably under the bed, too.  Creepy.  I shut my eyes.
  3. The Creepy Fucking Kid in Apt. B – this is about a creepy kid in an apartment building.  He sneaks into a neighbors house and starts saying words that don’t seem to make any sense.  Mainly, “people” and “fish”.  So, his mom comes to get him and informs the owner of the apartment that her son has the ability to know what someone’s last meal was.  So, he turns to his mom and says “bread” and he turns to the lady and says “fish” and then he stares off into the distance and says “people”.  But the two women are so psyched that he’s correct about what they’ve eaten, they fail to realize that he keeps fucking saying the word “PEOPLE”!!!  It’s creeptastic.  And we don’t feel bad for the woman destined to die because she completely ignored the multiple warnings.

All in all, it wasn’t that bad, but it wasn’t good either.  We’d probably recommend it just for the stories we like.  And of course, you may find others that you like.  Our score though: 40/100.

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Ruin Me (2017)

Directed by Preston DeFrancis.  Written by DeFrancis and Trysta A. Bisett.  Starring Marcienne Dwyer, Matt Dellapina, Eva Hamilton, Chris Hill, John Odom, Rocky Rector, Cameron Gordon and Sam Ashdown.

Plot: Alex reluctantly goes on the ultimate horror movie experience, not realizing the group is in real danger

First of all, me and DJ would never do this because unlike a lot of people, we freely admit that some things scare the hell out of us and we just don’t need that in our lives.  Haha.  Second of all, if we did go by some miracle, the minute the dude said that we had to give up our cell phones and that we can be shoved, but can’t shove back, we would’ve been out of there.  With that being said, onto the deeper plot.

6 people meet up at a desolate gas station.  They are 2 couples (Nathan and Alex, Pitch and Marina) and 2 males (Larry and Tim).  From there they are “abducted” and brought to the woods where they have to hike to a campsite.  During the night however, this crazy old dude (a huge horror cliche) tells them that they all need to leave before “they” come.  Of course, no one decides to leave. And from there, things get really bad.  Starting with one person being killed and then another and another and so on.  

Another important aspect is that Alex, the survivor girl is an addict and like, just got out of rehab not too long ago.  So, she’s hella fragile as it is and all her boyfriend does is say, “Have you taken your pills today?”  Being bipolar myself, I’d punch him in the face if he didn’t believe me about what I’d seen and just wanted to blame my disorder.  

Before the movie ending, me and DJ ended up completely lost.  By the very end though, we found out that the confusion was intentional.  But we weren’t impressed.  The “twist” really needed some work.  It was an interesting concept it just wasn’t executed properly.  And there were no rules at all, which we hate.  

Good news: the acting was impressive and there was a completely gratuitous boob shot.  But these things weren’t enough to save the movie or it’s pathetic ending.  

Our score: 38.

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Channel Zero: Candle Cove (2016)

Directed by Craig William Macneill.  Written by Nick Antosca, Don Mancini, Harley Peyton, Erica Saleh, Katie Gruel and Mallory Westfall.  Based on a story by Kris Straub.  Starring Paul Schneider, Fiona Shaw, Natalie Brown, Luisa d’Oliveira, Shaun Benson, Luca Villacis, Abigail Pniowsky and Marina Stephenson Kerr.

Plot: a child psychologist, whose brother went missing when they were kids, comes back to his hometown after a series of nightmares

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This was the first season of Channel Zero and I’m hoping that they get better.  Right now, we’re watching Season Two and hopefully it’s better.  Anywho, Candle Cove started out well.  It was creepy.  The cast was incredible.  And the story seemed nice enough, which I’ll tell you about now.

Mike (Schneider) comes home after a psychotic break and some bad dreams.  He goes to see his mother and his old friends, but his friends turn on him once one of their daughters goes missing.  Mike decides to leave town again, but he is called by his deceased twin brother who tells him he cant leave yet.  Meanwhile, there’s this creepy children’s show called Candle Cove that comes onto the television at crazy times, seemingly every time a child disappears.

As I watched more of it, the “tooth monster” was pretty creepy, but nothing else about it was.  Immediately after the 2nd episode I felt it start to drag.  It was hard just getting through it.  I wasn’t having a fun time.  I wasn’t sure why certain things were happening.  I hated that certain people were dying.  And I really hated when the creepy little kids were like, “You wouldn’t shoot us, we’re kids.”  Fuck that.  I would’ve shot them each twice.

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So, I felt like it wasn’t going to end well even before it didn’t end well.  Sometimes you can just feel a sucky ending coming.  Overall, the tooth monster was disgusting, only one part really scared me and the ending disappointed.  I think it could’ve used some more innovation in the death department and a different set of rules altogether.  I didn’t always like the direction either.  The slow pans were annoying.

I watched it without DJ because he’s a little hesitant when it comes to horror television (aside from anthology type Twilight Zone series).  Although, so far he is enjoying the second series, so we will see.  LOL

My score: 35.  I don’t recommend this first season.

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The Body (2018)

Directed by Paul Davis.  Written by Davis and Paul Fisher.  Starring Tom Bateman, Rebecca Rittenhouse, Aurora Perrineau, David Hull, Ray Santiago, Harvey Guillen, Max Adler, Alex Winter’s voice and John Landis in a small cameo.

Plot: a hitman finds his work difficult when he has to transport a body on Halloween and 3 clueless young people get in his way

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This is the Halloween movie of Into the Dark, the Hulu series.  I liked it just fine, but DJ hopes they get better from here.  It’s a dark comedy that DJ didn’t find that funny or that dark.

In the film, a hitman kills a guy and is transporting the body to the drop off point when he runs into a group of young people that think his “costume” is killer and want to take him to a party.  Since someone’s slashed his tires, he agrees to go in exchange for a ride, but things don’t go as planned.  At the party, he meets Maggie, a strange girl who tries to get inside his head and doesn’t mind the fact that the body is real.  He also meets 3 people who lock him in an escape room after they find out the body is real and then they argue about what to do with said body.

Suffice it to say, the movie is NOT about a hitman getting rid of a body, but rather a hitman and a young woman who’s decided to fall in love with him, trying to get that body back.

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DJ didn’t like that story.  And he didn’t like Maggie, the hitman’s “love interest”.  I kind of did though.  I sort of wanted the two of them to run off into the sunset together, but that wasn’t to be.  Instead, the hitman only kisses Maggie and then stabs her, more than once, in the stomach.  Then, he goes and kills the 3 people who took his victim’s body.  When everyone is dead you think it’s over until Maggie pops back up and kills the hitman.  Boooo!  Neither of us liked the end.  Which stopped me from really liking the movie a lot.  DJ, however, pretty much hated it.

The reason I liked it up till the end was that it was funny.  The acting was beautifully done, the direction was on point and I thought it was fun to watch.  And did I mention the hitman is hot!  The reason DJ didn’t like it was because he thought the whole thing was stupid.  He didn’t find it funny, he thought it was unoriginal and he didn’t like any of the characters.  So, I recommend giving this Hulu movie a chance, but DJ doesn’t.

My score: 56.  DJ’s score: 25.

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Interview with the Vampire (1994)

Directed by Neil Jordan.  Written by Anne Rice.  Starring Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Kirsten Dunst, Antonio Banderas, Christian Slater, Stephen Rea and Thandie Newton.

Plot: Louis (Pitt) tells his eventful vampire story to biographer, Daniel (Slater)

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So, this may be an unpopular opinion, but we don’t really like this movie.  DJ, who almost never likes vampire movies, was not swayed by this one.  And while I don’t mind most vampire lore, I very much minded all the melodrama in this film.  Basically, we feel that it was just as terrifying as Twilight was, but even more boring.

The lore is difficult.  They sleep in coffins.  They can survive on animals, but it’s not as good as surviving on humans.  They can’t be in the sun and they can’t drink from the dead.  However, stakes can’t kill them.  At least not all the time.  What is that?

It’s hard to find anyone likable either.  Of the three main people, you have the spoiled little Claudia (Dunst), the whiner and hypocrite Louis, who let Claudia become a vampire in the first place even though he had such a problem with it, and Lestat (Cruise) who is completely unapologetic for anything he does, which actually makes him my favorite character because at least he’s not trying to hide who he is.  He never lied.  He never whined.  And he never promised anything.

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The good news: it had a great cast and impressive visuals and I thought the ending was nice.  However, the bad news, is everything else.

We don’t recommend it.  My Score: 37.  DJ’s score: 27.

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Pieces (1982)

Written by Dick Randall and Robert Loyola

Directed by Juan Piquer Simon

Starring Christopher George, Linda Day, Frank Brana, Edmund Purdom, Ian Sera and Paul Smith

Plot: young co-eds are being dismembered by a chainsaw wielding maniac

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As you can see by the dueling posters this movie was amazing lol. Seriously though it wasn’t bad. The dubbing is however really bad. We saw this as part of the Last Drive In with Joe Bob Briggs on Shudder. On a side note we are both super happy he is back, he was a part of our childhood and initial love of horror.

This movie was ridiculous and funny. Plenty of boobs, even some other nudity too. At one point you even see the knife bend when it’s stabbing a woman so the effects are not stellar. Entertaining throughout with a pretty good script. Unrealistic in places but it had a powerful opening and a memorable ending.

Overall we both liked it and i personally recommend it for a fun watch, Tara gave it a 59/100 and I gave it a 66/100.

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Annihilation (2018)

Written and directed by Alex Garland, based on a book by Jeff VanderMeer.  Starring Natalie Portman, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Tessa Thompson, Gina Rodriguez, Tuva Novotny, Oscar Isaac and Benedict Wong.

Plot: a group of women enter “The Shimmer”, a mysterious quarantined zone filled with mutated creatures

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While hailed by critics as just the best thing since sliced bread, it was a total bomb at the box office.  And me and DJ agree with the bomb part.  We did not like this movie.

In the film, Natalie Portman’s husband, Oscar Isaac, comes home from the military after being MIA for over a year and he’s very sick.  She finds out that he’s been in “The Shimmer”.  Now “The Shimmer” is this place on earth that is expanding and in doing so it’s taking over the landscape.  Things are growing inside that don’t grow here and there are animals that have mutated disgustingly.  Every team of military personnel that have gone in have disappeared, except for Oscar, but the team of girls (Natalie, Jennifer, Tessa, Gina and Tuva) still decide to go in anyway.

Once inside they are attacked by the mutated creatures and Gina becomes really fucking annoying and bitchy.  So, sufficed to say, not everyone was so likable.  The creature effects were good though, but what was the fucking point?  When it started, we were sure it was trying to say something, but by the end, there was nothing.  At least, nothing we understood.  And I don’t feel we’re stupid or anything, so it’s more likely the movie was a bit confusing.

My score: 29.  DJ’s score: 23.

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Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Directed by Rick Rosenthal.  Written by Larry Brand and Sean Hood.  Starring Busta Rhymes, Tyra Banks, Katee Sackhoff, Ryan Merriman, Sean Patrick Thomas, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Bianca Kajlich and Jamie Lee Curtis.

Plot: Michael returns to his dilapidated house at the same time some stupid people decided to host a webcam reality show

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So, in the first 10 minutes of the movie, Michael kills Laurie Strode, which is bullshit and does not set a good tone for the rest of the film.  After that we have to sit through a bunch of kids telling Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks why they should be picked to spend the night in Michael’s old house.  Only it isn’t so old to him as he’s been sleeping there as it turns out.  And once you invade his space, he has every right to kill you.

Most of the people you don’t care about, so them dying isn’t any big thing.  Also, this movie follows the very end of H20 and what happened, yet it never mentions her son or what happened to him.  There’s no real innovation.  He’s killed people in the exact same ways before.  And who needs another head tilt, really?  There’s a poor script with continuity errors.  The ending sucked as well.

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What were the highlights?  Ryan Merriman was pretty cool as the kid outside the house trying to help Bianca Kajlich as she’s trapped inside.  And this Michael was pretty good even if the movie was only mediocre.  It wasn’t the worst of the bunch, but it was by far the best.

Our score: 54.

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Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

Directed by Steve Miner.  Written by Robert Zappia and Matt Greenberg.  Starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Josh Hartnett, Michelle Williams, Jodi Lyn O’Keefe, Adam Hann-Byrd, Adam Arkin, Janet Leigh, LL Cool J and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Plot: Michael comes after Laurie again, who is now the dean of a private school

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This movie erases Halloween’s 4,5 and 6.  Laurie Strode is alive and well, she never had a daughter, but she does have a son, John (Hartnett).  John has been going to her private school and living under her heavy-handed rules for far too long and he wants out.  So, on his 17th birthday, he decides to lie to his mother.  Instead of going on a class trip, he hunkers down at the private school with his small clique and they party.  Or at least, they begin to party.  But that’s when Michael shows up.  Just like he did when Laurie was 17.

I love all the homages in this movie.  Especially Janet Leigh being all maternal to Laurie’s character and having the Psycho music play quietly while she walks toward her retro car.  I love all of this movie in general.  I think it’s horrifically intense and awfully scary.  He’s not my favorite Michael though.  He’s bedhead Michael.  But at least he walks right.

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I completely love this one.  It’s my 3rd favorite in the franchise coming behind only one and two.  DJ, however, does not like this one like I do.  We’re like 30 points apart in scoring.  It’s like we watched a different movie or something.  But even he admits that if you’re a Michael Myers fan, you’ll probably like this.  And I think you’ll love it.

DJ’s score: 58.  My score: 87.

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Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers

Directed by Joe Chappelle.  Written by Daniel Farrands.  Starring Donald Pleasance, Paul Rudd, Marianne Hagan, Devin Gardner and George P. Wilbur.

Plot: Jaime is pregnant and then killed shortly after giving birth – Tommy Doyle finds the baby and decides to protect him

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This is one of the most complicated Michael Myers movie.  Probably because it makes no real sense.  Apparently, back when Michael was taken from the police station in the 80’s, Jamie was, too.  And she was held and impregnated by a cult.  After she has her baby, a boy, she flees their confinement with the help of a nurse, who is later killed by Michael.  Then, Michael goes after Jamie and it’s on.

Michael finds her and he kills her, but he can’t find her son.  Before she dies, she says something like “you’ll never have him”, meaning the baby of course.  And Michael’s pissed.  Now, I should mention that Jamie called a radio station before she died to warn everyone in Haddonfield that Michael was coming back.  No one believes her, but Tommy Doyle, the same little boy that Laurie Strode babysat all those years ago.  He’s obsessed with the whole Michael case now, so he goes to find Jaime and finds the baby instead and decides to name him – Steven – and keep him to protect him from Michael.

Enter Loomis finally, and now you have a movie.  A strange movie about Loomis and Tommy trying to protect baby Steven from Michael and the cult and the strange man in black, who we sort of saw in the last movie.

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There are a lot of homages to the other movies in this one that would have been cool if the movie itself made more sense.  Michael’s not a great Michael in this one either.  Sorry, but he’s got a really tiny waist and great big shoulders and long, freaky arms.  The main girl in the movie talks about how good of a mother she is, but she never knows where her kid is.  Paul Rudd is frickin’ crazy and hysterical.  Was he told to overact that badly?  Honestly, the whole movie shit the Michael Myers bed.  It was mediocre at best.

My score: 44.  DJ’s score: 37.

“You. Are. A Madman”

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