Fear Itself: Eater (2008)

Directed by Stuart Gordon. Written by Richard Chizmar and Johnathon Schaech, based on a short story by Peter Crowther.  Starring Elisabeth Moss and Russell Hornsby.

Plot: 4 officers at a police station have more than they can handle in a serial killer/”eater”

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The main character reminds me a bit of myself.  She knows a ton about horror and is very into serial killers.  The only difference between me and her is that she wants to be a cop and I would just never.  Anyway, the story follows her mainly and the serial killer that’s just been brought into her jail.  He’s what they call an “eater”, meaning he’s a cannibal.  He fries up peoples fingers like little sausages at one point.

I was impressed with the script and the story and the monster.  He is really frickin’ creepy.  Also, his teeth are nasty as hell.  The story followed rules, it was realistic and it had a great cast.  We didn’t love the end, but it was appropriate for the story.

We recommend it.  It’s one of the best episodes of Fear Itself.  Our score: 68.

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Fear Itself: In Sickness and In Health (2008)

Directed by John Landis.  Written by Victor Salva.  Starring Maggie Lawson, James Roday, Marshall Bell, William  B. Davis, Sonja Bennett and Christie Laing.

Plot: a bride recieves a note on her wedding day warning her that the person she’s marrying is a serial killer

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The first few weeks of the show were anything, but fun.  However, I had high hopes for this one since both John Landis and Victor Salva were attached to it.  And for the most part, I liked it.

Maggie Lawson plays The Bride while James Roday is The Groom.  And yes, I liked that little Psych reunion.  It’s the wedding I always wanted to see.  But there’s always a catch.  In this, it’s that The Bride gets an anonymous note that says “The person you are marrying is a serial killer”.  Hearth thumping, she tries to find out what this note is all about.

My brother saw the twist coming first thing.  Kinda ruined it for me.  But he was right.  There was a twist and it was pretty easy to find out if you paid close attention to details.  DJ thought it was uneven storytelling though and he didn’t like any of the characters.  What was even the point of the Marshall Bell character? To distract us from reality.

It’s not the best of the series, but I still recommend it.  DJ doesn’t.

My score: 51.  DJ’s score: 28.

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Fear Itself: Family Man (2008)

Directed by Ronny Yu.  Written by Daniel Knauf. Starring Clifton Collins Jr., and Colin Ferguson.

Plot: a husband and father switches bodies with a serial killer

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This episode wasn’t bad.  Collins Jr. and Ferguson are both really good actors.  And what can I tell you about the plot?  Nothing else really.  A good man switches bodies with a bad man and realizing such, the good man has to go about stopping the bad man from hurting his family.

Without giving away the ending, I must tell you that the ending crapped all over the rest of the episode.  I am rarely shaken by how something ends, but this did it for me.  Whatever good qualities it may have had, it lost with that ending.

This episode is another low scorer.  But I promise you they all aren’t.

Our score: 5/100.

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Fear Itself: Spooked (2008)

Directed by Brad Anderson.  Written by Matt Venne.  Starring Eric Roberts.

Plot; a P.I. with a bad past is on assignment in a haunted house and crazy shit starts happening

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From the director of Session 9, comes this tale about a bad cop who uses violence to solve his cases.  When he’s fired he takes a job working with divorce cases mostly, spying for spouses who think their significant other is cheating on them.  When he takes his current case he has no idea that it may be his last.

Apparently, his ghosts come back to haunt him.  But we were hard pressed to find any sense in any of it.  Maybe it’s because he’s an unsympathetic character who you don’t care about going crazy.  Maybe it’s because you the ghosts of his past aren’t all that sympathetic either.  We’re not sure.  We just know that without the directer and Roberts, this would have gotten a zero.

Our score: 10.

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Fear Itself: The Sacrifice (2008)

Directed by Breck Eisner.  Written by Mick Garris, based on the short story “The Lost Herd” by Del Howison.  Starring Jeffrey Pierce, Jesse Plemons, Stephen Martines, Rachel Miner, Miercea Monroe and Walter Phelan.

Plot: 4 criminals take refuge in a snow-covered “fort” hiding dangers they couldn’t imagine

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Del Howison knows a lot about horror.  If you look him up you can find that out.  He runs a store completely devoted to horror.  He edits books about horror.  He writes non-fiction things for horror magazines like Rue Morgue.  But we very much wish that he didn’t write horror fiction himself.

In this episode, 4 criminals on the run have their car break down in the snow.  One of them needs medical attention, so they decide to continue on foot until they can find him some help.  When they come across an old fort, they find 3 sisters inside that say they’ll help him, but they’re keeping a secret and it’s a big one.

There’s no one likable in the whole story.  It was very unrealistic.  The rules were a joke.  And the ending was horrible.  The only redeeming quality was the acting.  We truly believed everyone was a jerk.

There are some great episodes of Fear Itself.  This isn’t one of them.

My score: 25.  DJ’s score: 20.

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Fear Itself (2008-2009)

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The television show, Fear Itself, had 13 episodes and we’ve decided to score them the same way we score movies.  So, for the next 13 days, we’ll give you an episode a day, starting with the first episode, The Sacrifice.

FYI – You can currently catch all 13 episodes on Shudder.

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Jason X (Friday the 13th Part 10) (2001)

Written by Todd Farmer

Directed by James Isaac

Starring Kane Hodder

Plot: Jason returns in the 25th century, in space, aboard a ship after being cryogenic-ally frozen

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Possible spoilers but if you haven’t seen jason x by now, what are you waiting for??!!

First off i was not a big fan of uber Jason, i don’t like the big red eyes or the fact that his mask was changed so much. But he looks kind of stupid before becoming uber Jason too, with strange patches of hair on him. I did like the surgical looking machete he used sometimes. What  is with the space clothes though??!!

We loved the the girl from the 20th century knew exactly how to use a gun from the future just because she knew guns from the past, thats like saying i can ride a 10 speed so a motorcycle would be easy. They kill off a lot of the likable people in the beginning and leave you with the main girl who can’t act and the annoying fucking android.

Some bad acting but others are cool, so it’s about 50/50. Some good , funny dialogue. Some really good kills and boob shots. overall not a bad movie, it’s quite entertaining actually and the end is pretty sweet. No Freddy claws though.

Usually Tara hates it when Jason kills outside of Crystal Lake but this wasn’t his fault.

We gave it decent scores with Tara giving it a 49/100 and me a 55/100

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“Guys it’s ok, he just wanted his machete back”. rofl

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Cell (2016)

Directed by Tod Williams.  Written by Adam Alleca and Stephen King.  Based on King’s novel of the same name.  Starring John Cusack, Samuel L. Jackson and Isabelle Fuhrman.

Plot: a mysterious cell phone signal causes people to become zombie-like – Clay, Tom and Alice fight to survive

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In order to truly allow you to know how I feel about this movie, I have to give away the ending.  So, here’s a serious warning.

******SPOILERS AHEAD******

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Now that that’s done, this movie sucks!!  This is coming from someone who loved and owns the book.  I’ve read it more than once.  Cover to frickin’ cover.  But this movie just went and blew the book to pieces.  And Stephen King had a hand in doing it.  I love the man, but I have hated him, too.  This is one of the hating times.

It starts off well enough.  Clay (Cusack) is in an airport when shit goes down as compared to the street he was on in the book, but whatever.  Semantics.  I’ll give that one to him.  After that, he meets up with Tom (Jackson) and Alice (Fuhrman) and they all decide to hang out together.  Clay wants to get to his son and his wife, so yes!  Let’s do that!  This was the movie and this was the book.  Coolness, right?  Wrong!!

At the end of this shit movie Clay becomes a “phoner”.  And his wife and son are phoners.  And you really have little to no idea what happened to Tom.  At the end of the book, it was different.  Hopeful even.  Tom was headed to Canada with some others and yes, Clay’s son was a phoner, but Clay had an idea to get him back.  And that’s how it ended, with that hope.

There’s no hope here.  No recommendation either.  It was like the book for a while though, so we give it some points.  Our score: 33.

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Carriers (2009)

Written and directed by Alex and David Pastor.  Starring Chris Pine, Lou Taylor Pucci, Piper Perabo and Emily VanCamp.

Plot: when a virus has wiped out most of humanity, 2 brothers and 2 girls set out to elude the pandemic

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Chris Pine is a dick who drives himself, his brother, his girlfriend and another friend through the apocalypse.  They of course meet some mean people along the way, but the worst part is that they’re not very likable themselves.  Chris Pine especially.  He’s an asshole and everyone lets him be an asshole so, I guess they are no better.  Apparently, the point of the movie is that the end of the world will turn everyone into monsters.  There will be no good people left anywhere.  What a shitty, pessimistic outlook.

The effects were good and the acting was good, but we refuse to believe all people would act this way.  And a dog dies.  Ugh!!

We would walk out of the room if someone turned it on in our presence.

Our score: 24.

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Sinister 2 (2015)

Directed by Ciaran Foy.  Written by Scott Derrickson and C. Robert Cargill.  Starring Shannyn Sossamon, Robert Sloan, Dartanian Sloan, Tate Ellington and Nicholas King.

Plot: a young mother and her twin boys move into a house marked for death

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I’m going to give this movie away right now.  So,

******SPOILERS AHEAD******

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This sequel has nothing to do with the first movie and can be seen without seeing the first one.  This movie is about twin boys, Zach and Dylan.  Dylan is the good twin and Zach is a frickin’ little brat.  For some reason, Dylan is being haunted by these children who want him to do things.  But he’s the good one, so he doesn’t want to.  In the process, Zach gets jealous of Dylan and his ghosts and insists to see them for himself.  Which we can only assume is what they’ve always wanted.  The brat.  He will do their bidding and the bidding of the monster, Bughuul.

There’s likable characters in this movie, but they all do a lot of nonsensical shit.  Why would the boy run into the decrepit church of all places?  At the end, why don’t they run for his truck instead of running to the corn?  And at the very end, why was the Bughuul there?  He can’t get the deputy on his own can he?  Because if he can, that’s just breaking all the rules.  And the rules aren’t even that great to begin with.

There’s a dramatic side story, too, about how the father, who is a dick, wants to take the boys from the mother.  It pisses you off.  So, at the end of the movie you’re pissed off twice: once in horror and once in drama.

Our score: 31.  We do not recommend this sequel.

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