Stephen King’s IT (1990)

Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace.  Written by Wallace and Lawrence D. Cohen, based on a novel by Stephen King.  Starring Tim Curry, Harry Anderson, Jonathan Brandis, Dennis Christopher, Seth Green, Olivia Hussey, Annette O’Toole, Emily Perkins, Tim Reid, John Ritter and Richard Thomas.

Plot: evil takes the shape of a clown to terrorize the children of Derry, Maine

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It’s absolutely shameful that we’ve come this far and never talked much about the epic mini-series IT.  But now that we’ve all seen the remake, or at least, we should have, we should talk about the original.  This is one of the movies that turned us into the horror freaks we are and it’s the number one reason that we’re afraid of clowns.  Of course.

While the book is even more disturbing (it always takes me several tries before I get through the whole thing – It spends a lot of time in the freezer), this mini-series is scary as fuck as well.  Tim Curry is one of my nightmares.  As he should be.  He is simply radiant as Pennywise the Dancing Clown.  Whether he’s pulling Georgie into a sewer or popping up out of the shower drain or reaching his way right out of a photo album, he is just the scariest thing you’ve ever seen.

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“…when you’re down here, you’ll float, too!”

There are other non-clown parts that are scary as well.  The “Ms. Kersh” incident with Beverley is quite disturbing (“I worry about you, Bevvy.  I worry a lot.”) as is the time Stan sees the mummy and has to recite all the birds to make him disappear.  There’s just so much horror here that it’s impossible for it not to be one of our favorite movies of all time.

There were a couple of things I wish they had included in this mini-series that they did not.  One, they should have had some lepers.  Those parts in the book were really awful and would’ve been cool to see.  Two, they should have given Eddie a wife.  Making him a virgin was just stupid and done for no good reason.  We already pitied him with the mother he had, we didn’t need to pity him more.

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Still, this phenomenal cast gives us most everything we could want.  All other clown movies are measured against this one.  It is original.  The kids are likable.  The script is spectacular.  And for a 1990 TV movie, the effects were top notch.  Great direction and a good story make this one of the easiest movies to recommend.  And we do so, wholly.  If you haven’t seen this yet, you are really missing out on something great.

Our score: 92.

“Beep beep, Richie.  Beep beep.”

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Fear Inc. (2016)

Directed by Vincent Masciale.  Written by Luke Barnett.  Starring Lucas Neff, Caitlin Stasey, Chris Marquette, Abigail Breslin, Mark Moses, Naomi Grossman, Patrick Renna, Richard Riehle and Leslie Jordan.

Plot: a horror junkie signs up with a company that brings your true fears to life

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I am a horror junkie.  My brother is a horror junkie.  We’re proud of it.  There are plenty of things in the world that scare us and sometimes it’s fun to be surrounded by such things.  Whether it be watching a movie in a dark theater or going to a haunted house, things can creep us out.  But what if those things stopped creeping us out?  How far would we go to be scared?  Well, the short answer is, not as far as the jackass in this movie.

A slacker (Neff) decides that he’s tired of the same old scares and wants to be truly terrified, so when someone hands him a card and says they’ll bring his fears to life, he’s aching to call.  Right away though, his friends warn him against this, claiming that they know someone who’s been hurt this way.  He says he won’t call and then does anyway.  The scares start pretty quickly after that.

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Now, we have to start by telling you this slacker isn’t real likable.  He’s got a girlfriend that’s too good for him, some semi-responsible friends around him and he’s too busy doing every drug in the book to listen to them for a change.  The premise is an interesting one, but since we weren’t rooting for this guy, it sort of fell flat.  Plus, it was all very repetitive.  There’s a lot of cat and mouse where the mouse runs, cat catches it, kills it, continues on to the next mouse.  For a real scary experience I think you’d have to bring Pennywise to life for me or something more than a masked intruder.  That’s just been done to death you know?

Anywho, there’s a good cast, it’s original and the effects are gore-tastic.  But there’s no boobs and absolutely no Freddy Claws, so that brings it down.  On top of that, the ending leaves a lot to be desired.  It technically ends badly with the slacker having no real way to win the night.  And since I’ve already told you this much, let’s just put the spoiler warning up and give up the whole thing.

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Turns out, the guy’s friends were in on the whole thing from the jump.  But that doesn’t matter in the end.  The people that bring your fear to life have to kill you in the end or your fear really isn’t complete.  Or some such nonsense as that.  We didn’t like it.  DJ doesn’t recommend it at all.  I say, if you’re going to watch it go ahead, but don’t say we didn’t warn you.

DJ’s score: 38.  My score: 44.

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Mimic (1997)

Directed by Guillermo del Toro.  Written by Guillermo and Matthew Robbins, based on a short story of the same name by Donald A. Wollheim.  Starring Mira Sorvino, Jeremy Northam, Josh Brolin, Norman Reedus, Charles S. Dutton and F. Murray Abraham.

Plot: said simply, cockroaches begin to take over New York

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Said not-so-simply, the cockroaches in New York begin to spread a plague that threatens the city.  So, evolutionary biologist, Susan (Sorvino) develops a “Judas” bug that will feed on the diseased cockroaches and save the city.  3 years later though, instead of dying out and saving the city, the Judas roach has grown large (almost 6 feet) and is now able to mimic the appearance of other creatures, including humans.

It’s a halfway decent bug movie.  It has it’s good points and it’s bad.  Del Toro did some scientific research, because, according to my brother, the science of it all ain’t half bad.  The movie could have been shorter though.  But I suppose length comes with Del Toro’s work.

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The movie was chock full of people to root for.  The black guy was a little to much of a caricature, but still likable.  The bugs themselves had a good motive – survival.  The movie followed rules, had amazing effects and Freddy Claws.  If you’re wanting to watch a movie about giant roaches, this is the one we recommend.

Our score: 53.

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The Craft (1996)

Directed by Andrew Fleming.  Written by Fleming and Peter Filardi.  Starring Fairuza Bulk, Robin Tunney, Neve Campbell, Rachel True, Skeet Ulrich, Christine Taylor, Breckin Meyer and John Kapelos.

Plot: 4 teenage witches practice their craft amid social and personal problems

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Back when I was a angsty teenager with acne and my own bullies, there was this movie to make me wish I had special powers.  Oooo, what I could have done with that.  I swear I wouldn’t have been a Nancy.  Moving on.

Good girl, Sarah (Tunney) moves to a new town and makes friends with 3 witches, Nancy (Bulk), Bonnie (Campbell) and Rochelle (True).  For some reason, they are really a lot stronger together and they start to go about fixing their personal and social lives with their magics.  I was always particularly a fan of Bonnie at first.  I felt her pain.  Living with those scars must have been unbearable, but then the minute she gets rid of them she turns into a huge slut, so I stopped feeling sorry for her.

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Anywho, the 3 girls end up following the lead of Nancy, who eventually gets just too crazy for Sarah, or anyone reasonable to deal with.  What’s sad is that Bonnie and Rochelle turn on Sarah so quickly.  I mean, Nancy’s crazy.  She’s doing her own thing all the time.  But Bonnie and Rochelle are just nasty followers who can’t think for themselves.  I’m glad they all get what’s coming to them.

It’s not much of a horror movie, although all the cockroaches do bother DJ.

DJ’s score: 65.  My score: 70.

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“I bind you Nancy from doing harm – harm against yourself and harm against other people.”

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Freaks (1932)

Directed by Tod Browning.  Written by Willis Goldbeck, Leon Gordon, Al Boasberg, Edgar Allan Woolf, Charles MacCarthur based on Clarence Aaron “Tod” Robins’s story “Spurs”.  Starring Olga Baclanova, Henry Victor, Harry Earles and Daisy Earles.

Plot: a beautiful trapeze artist agrees to marry the leader of a group of side show performers, but she’s really just a bitch after his money who ridicules him and his friends

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I can’t believe we haven’t written about this one yet.  This is such a beautiful story and a beautiful movie.  When asked if a horror movie has ever truly made us cry we think of things like Train to Busan and Night of the Creeps and, of course, Freaks.  Originally panned because critics thought no one would be interested in the story full of freaks, it is now a cult classic.  And the true irony is that while older critics found the story of an average-size woman falling for a little person unbelievable, it’s the truth of it that makes the story so damned emotional nowadays.

It’s not that we love him because he’s small, although he is adorable.  It’s that we love him because he’s innocent.  The whole side show is.  Almost from beginning to end.  They were good to this average-sized woman.  They even called her one of them.  And all she could do was make fun.

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I won’t go into too much detail about the film’s ending.  It is a classic that I suggest you go into knowing as little as possible.  Just know that it is original.  One of the most original movie endings we’ve ever seen.  The movie is realistic, the script is amazing and the cast is fantastic.  It’s totally rewatchable.  We own it and suggest you do the same.  Especially if you can see it no other way.

It comes with a nice little “fuck you” sort of message.  Don’t mess with mine and I won’t destroy yours.  Haha.  Beyond being a good horror movie, it’s just a fantastic movie in general.

Our score: 100.  Yes, that’s right, we can’t find a flaw.  If you can, get back to us.

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“ONE OF US!!”

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The Messengers (2007)

Directed by the Pang Brothers.  Written by Mark Wheaton and Todd Farmer.  Starring Kristen Stewart, Dylan McDermott, Penelope Ann Miller, John Corbett, Jodelle Ferland, William B. Davis and Dustin Milligan.

Plot: a family moves into a run-down sunflower farm and are soon haunted by ghosts

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So, Kristen Stewart says the house is haunted but no one believes her because she just got her and her little brother into an accident while drunk driving.  I guess that makes sense, but we hate these movies where no believes anyone else.  I mean, they just kept yelling at her.  Like that’s solving anything.

We also don’t know how Kristen kept running around the house seeing all the things she was seeing.  I would’ve been like “Hey, I’m sleeping in the backseat of the car.  Peace.”

The specials were really good.  The cast was great.  I wouldn’t watch this by myself.  Way too many jumpscares.  But I totally recommend it.  It’s scary fun.

Our score: 71.

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American Werewolf in London (1981)

Written and directed by John Landis.  Starring David Naughton, Griffin Dunne, Jenny Agutter and Frank Oz.

Plot: 2 Americans in London are attacked by a werewolf and one becomes a wolf himself

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Here’s an example of how different DJ and I can be.  He does not recommend this movie, I would own it.

So, 2 Americans, David (Naughton) and Jack (Dunne) are backpacking close to London when they are attacked by what they think is a wild animal.  Jack is killed and David is severely injured.  He’s taken to a hospital in London to recover.  Well, some things you can’t recover from and being turned into a werewolf is one of them.  I don’t want to give too much away in case you haven’t seen the film, but it is really brilliant.  And the specials are simply to die for.  When he finally turns into a wolf, it looks as painful as you think it would be.

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I really liked everyone.  I also liked the motive.  DJ didn’t like either.  We both did like the acting/casting though.  As a matter of fact, funny story.  David Naughton was the first famous horror actor that we met.  Well, I couldn’t believe he was standing in front of me and so I just coughed in his face, turned and walked away.  Finally, after walking around the convention for another several hours, I got the courage to go back and see him again.  And he remembered me.  As the girl who coughed in his face.  But he was so nice about it.  He and my brother made fun of me for a bit, but it was all in jest.  To this day, he’s still one of the most memorable meets we have.

My score: 77.  DJ’s score: 49.

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Me and David (2006)

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Critters 3 (1991)

Written by Rupert Harvey, Barry Opper and David J. Schow

Directed by Christine Peterson

Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Aimee Brooks, Joseph Cousins, Don Keith Opper and Geoffrey Blake.

Plot: the critters invade Los Angeles this time, but the 1991 clothing is scarier than they are.

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Ok so this one is not as good as the first two, but stick with me… They feel more like Gremlins in this one and they giggle and shit. One of them even has a stripe.

The end is annoying…it happens over the ending credits which is just stupid.

I suppose this was entertaining in a way but not enough for us as Tara gave it a 40/100 and i liked it slightly more for a 45/100

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If you are a fan of Leo though it is worth a watch because lets all face it , Leo is cute and adorable and whatever , and i am straight.

 

 

O and here is the spoiler, frank dies but o well no wait actually yay because he was annoying.

 

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Critters 2 (1988)

Directed by Mick Garris.  Written by Garris and David Twohy.  Starring Scott Grimes, Lin Shaye, Cynthia Garris, Don Keith Opper, Terrence Mann and Sam Anderson.

Plot: eggs left behind on Earth, hatch and attack Grover’s Bend once again

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In Critters 2, the town of Grover’s Bend actually blames Brad (Grimes) because when he comes back to town, so do the Critters.  Which is just so wrong.  We also get to see Charlie again.  Charlie who had gone off to become a space bounty hunter, returns when the Critters do as well.

This movie was funny.  It was cheesy 80’s goodness like the first.  In some ways I liked it more, but then they killed a dog.  A beautiful pittie.  And we love pits.  And it was pretty graphic.  So, loss of points.

Still a good motive though.  Good acting.  Good ending.  We recommend it.

Our score: 60.

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Critters (1986)

Directed by Stephen Herek.  Written by Herek and Domonic Muir.  Starring Dee Wallace, Scott Grimes, Lin Shaye, M Emmet Walsh, Billy Zane, Ethan Phillips, Terrance Mann and Don Keith Opper.

Plot: a race of small, furry aliens come to Earth to make a meal out of the people of a small farming town.

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This is a fun b-movie creature feature, it didn’t take everything too seriously and it just had fun. It was LOL funny and had good acting. Everyone was likable. It had a good motive, food. Followed rules and was realistic. There was good dialogue and good effects Lets be real the little Critters are adorable.

We also found this to NOT be the gremlins ripoff that a lot of people purport it to be. It had it’s own thing going for it and we found it to be highly re-watchable.

 

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This movie had an adventurous little kid who makes bombs for fun. Chewy the cat lives and the day is saved by the kid, Brad, his sister, April, and the mentally challenged Charlie which makes it all the more awesome that our favorite people did so well.

My score: 81.  Tara’s Score: 71.

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