Bird Box (2018)

Directed by Susanne Bier.  Written by Eric Heisserer, based on the novel of the same name by Josh Malerman.  Starring Sandra Bullock, Trevante Rhodes, John Malkovich, Sarah Paulson, Jacki Weaver, Rosa Salazar, Tom Hollander, Machine Gun Kelly, BD Wong, Pruitt Taylor Vince, Taylor Handley and Parminder Nagra.

Plot: five years after and ominous presence has driven most of society to kill itself, a mother of two makes a desperate bid to reach a safe haven


The movie goes back and forth between when the outbreak started, while Sandra Bullock was just pregnant, to five years later when she has two children she’s trying to save the lives of.  All the people around her are killing herself and just when you think she’ll be next, she’s taken into a safe house by a group of strangers.  Of course, the group is a mixed bag.  Most of them are nice, but John Malkovich is a dick!

******SPOILER ALERT******



This movie made NO sense.  God it was bad.  And of course the black guy has to die even though he’s like the only good thing left in Sandra’s life (aside from the children who, let’s face it, aren’t much help).  Most of the people in the movie were stupid, assholes or stupid assholes.  It was unoriginal, had awful rules, a low Freddy Claws and a ridiculous story.


It did get points for innovation though.  Some of the “murders” were cool.  It also had an impressive cast and beautiful special effects.  But that wasn’t enough to save this disappointment of a film.  We do not recommend.

Our score: 25.

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Brainscan (1994)

Directed by John Flynn.  Written by Brian Owens and Andrew Kevin Walker.  Starring Edward Furlong, Frank Langella, T. Ryder Smith, Amy Hargreaves and Jamie Marsh.

Plot: a teenager takes part in a violent, interactive video game that turns out to be real


Michael (Furlong) is not your typical teenager.  He’s sort of a computer whiz and president of his school’s Horror Club and also, he’s the voyeur of his next door neighbor, Kimberly.  He reads about a new “killer” video game in Fangoria magazine and orders it.  When it comes, he’s beyond excited and plays almost right away.  Inside the game, he kills a man.  He thinks it was just a cheap thrill until he finds out that the murder happened in the real world, too.  Then, The Trickster (Smith) comes and everything really turns to crap.

Me and DJ wouldn’t have played a game like that.  I don’t even like playing the video games where I have to rob people, so I know I couldn’t kill someone innocent.  So, the motive sucked a bit, since technically it was him doing the killing.  And there were no boobs when they’re clearly could have been.  Amy Hargreaves did get all kinds of naked years later in the very riveting Shame, so….


Good news though, the movie was funny in parts, mostly because of Kyle (Marsh), the best friend.  Also it’s highly rewatchable for me, but not for DJ.  Oh well.  And lastly, the cast is genius.  There’s a lot of good players here, even DJ can’t deny that.  And who doesn’t already know that Edward Furlong is the love of my life thus far?

I highly recommend it.  DJ only slightly.  My score: 64.  DJ’s score: 43.


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Hell Fest (2018)

Directed by Gregory Plotkin.  Written by Seth M. Sherwood, Blair Butler, Akela Cooper, Christopher Sey, William Penick and Stephen Susco.  Starring Amy Forsyth, Reign Edwards, Bex Taylor-Klaus, Matt Mercurio, Christian James and Tony Todd.

Plot: a masked serial killer turns a horror-themed amusement park into his own personal hunting ground


It opens with a death so that’s cool.  A girl gets separated from her friends in the park and someone kills her and hangs her as part of an attraction.  Years later, another group of friends enter Hell Fest.  There are six of them this time though, and for some reason the killer stalks all six.  There are no rules.  There is no motive.  And the ending is crap.

******SPOILER ALERT******



Aside from the dialogue and the acting, this movie was quite the disappointment.  I liked it till the end though.  DJ didn’t like it at all.  Maybe because there were too many writers hands in the cookie jar.  It seems as though every modern horror movie has to have a shit ending, twist ending or fucked up ending.  This one was fucked up.


Sure, two of the girls make it out of Hell Fest alive, but so does the killer and we have no idea how that was possible with the amount of cops surrounding the place.  Then, the killer goes home and puts his weapon in a locked cabinet.  He walks into his living room where a young girl is sleeping.  SURPRISE!!  She wakes up and, guess what, “Hi, Daddy” she says running into his arms.  It was stupid and fucked.

Our score: 37.  We don’t recommend.

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Happy Birthday Geena Davis!!


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7 Movies We Wish We Hadn’t Seen

Well, the title is pretty obvious.  This is a small list of movies that we’re not even sure how we got through watching.  And we want to warn you ahead of time that they aren’t worth it.  Spend your time elsewhere.  Here goes:



With a superb cast (including Dina Meyer, Frank Whaley and Gabrielle Anwar) we were expecting better.  The premise is that six friends come together for the funeral of a seventh childhood friend and they end up having to deal with this huge secret they all share.  They end up in a condemned building that somehow has clean sheets and fresh coffee and sugar.  The worst part though, is that it’s a convoluted mess.  Somebody shouts at the air every two minutes.  People keep going off on their own even after people start dying around them.  They’re not likable people.  There was no rules.  And the motive was crazy ridiculous.  Awful.


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We weren’t sure what to expect from this movie, but we didn’t think it would be such a Psycho rip off.  Basically, we enter the mind and house of a serial killer who has his dead mother in his house.  He also has the burnt up bodies of his victims sitting in chairs around the house as well.  That’s actually pretty dark and then there’s this part where the dead bodies are coming at him and that was weird and really terrifying.  Still, the movie was so boring we ended up fast forwarding through some of it.  If you’re a die hard horror aficionado then watch it, but otherwise, skip it.  It is not for everybody.



James Remar, Ray Wise and Sherilyn Fenn have to battle a giant polar bear born out of climate change and genetic modification.  It was supposed to have a political point, but it didn’t do much for it.  The writer, Ron Carlson, put himself in the movie in the worst possible role.  He’s the creeper pervert and maybe he is one in real life, but his character is bad and lives way, way too long.  But of course.  The bear looks awful.  There’s no payoff for anything.  I don’t understand why good actors decided to work with Carlson.



Not to be confused with the 80 other Truth or Dare movies that have come out recently, this one is about a group of friends that go to a haunted house and start playing the game and it awakens an ancient evil.  You know, that old chestnut.  Every single one of the characters is annoying.  Like the vegan girl that has to pronounce her veganism loudly, but has no problem squashing a bug.  Hypocrite.  The dares are also uneven.  One person just has to eat some skin, but the next person has to electrocute themselves.  We don’t really think it’s a fair dare if it kills you.  But oh, the point is to work together, which, of course, none of them can do.  And there’s the ominous line “evil doesn’t need a place”, but then they have to go back to the house to finish the game.  Whatever.  It’s stupid.  Stay away.



Not to be confused with the original movie, this remake is much more like the short story by Stephen King, but we didn’t really love the short story, so I guess that’s that.  The married couple is very angry with each other and unhappy in this one.  There’s no Freddy Claws and there’s no Joby, who really made the original movie.  It was 40 minutes of arguing followed by 40 minutes of being chased through corn followed by a really terrible ending.  It had good effects and I love David Anders, but he is not enough to make me watch this movie again.



This is exactly what it sounds like.  A group of friends stranded in a little town are stalked and killed by a bunch of clowns.  You think it’d be creepy.  Well, you’d be wrong.  The people are not that good at acting.  The characters have no fight in them.  They run when there’s only one clown in their way.  Like, how bout you all jump him together??  And the one guy even just stands there as his friend is set on fire!  We should’ve listened to the other reviews and skipped this one, but I’m just so afraid of clowns I thought this would be better than it was.  I could really go on for paragraphs and paragraphs about how bad this movie is (ex. Jill screaming the whole entire movie without stopping), but I won’t.  Just please listen where we didn’t and steer clear.

DOOMED (2007)


I honestly don’t know what to say about this movie because I don’t know how we made it through the whole thing.  It was about a group of convicts, living in the future, that are given a chance to win a pardon if they can survive on an island full of zombies.  It’s so, so stupid.  Trust us.

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Uninvited (1988)

Written and directed by Greydon Clark.  Starring George Kennedy, Rob Estes, Alex Cord, Toni Hudson, Clare Carey, Eric Larson, Beau Dremann, Shari Shattuck and Clu Gulager.

Plot: an infected lab cat with a demon living inside it’s mouth finds it’s way onto the yacht of a criminal kingpin and begins to kill


DJ says the demon inside the cat’s mouth looks like a lion, a monkey or a baboon depending on the shot and it always sounds like a pig and he’s not sure why.  But anyway, here’s the fascinating story.  The movie starts with the cat escaping the lab.  Why it has a demon in it’s mouth you never learn, but it kills a lot of people on it’s way out.  Then, two spring-breaking girls find the cat, think it’s cute and bring it onto the yacht they were invited onto by some creepy rich criminal.  They’ve also invited some guy friends to come along and the criminal only agrees to it because he doesn’t have a crew for the yacht and needs them to cook and clean and shit.  It’s so dumb.

******SPOILERS AHEAD******




Clu Gulager is only in it for about 15 minutes.  And the two that you want to survive do, as they should.  But then again, so does the demonized cat.  It was an original premise, but did we ever really need to see it?  I mean, we could’ve gone our whole lives without seeing a demon come out of a cat’s mouth, kill someone and then crawl back inside.  Also, the acting is good, but a little too dramatic at times.  But what do you expect from Rob Estes and his hair (which should have had a whole movie onto itself).

The soundtrack is hilarious and very up and down.  There’s no boobs when there clearly could have been on more than one occasion.  And we had to give it low, low motive points because you never find out the demon’s origin story.  So, while it was fun sometimes, it was mostly mediocre.  Watch at your own risk.

My score: 53.  DJ’s score: 41.

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Blood Song (1982)

Directed by Alan J. Levi.  Written by James Fargo, Frank Avianca, Lenny Montana, George Hart and Joseph M. Shink.  Starring Frankie Avalon, Donna Wilkes, Richard Jaeckel, Dane Clark, Antoinette Bower, William Kirby Cullen and Lenny Montana.

Plot: a flute-playing killer happens to stalk a handicapped girl that he gave a blood transfusion to years before (no, I can not make that shit up)


Also known as Dream Slayer, this movie is a “video nasty” that’s not all that nasty even though it was banned in parts of the world for a time.  Frankie Avalon, in a mean departure from his beach singing days, plays the flute-playing killer.  Donna Wilkes is the handicapped girl that he’s chasing.  There’s also this whole side story about her father being an alcoholic and how they have a rather tumultuous relationship, but nothing really comes of that so we don’t know why it was even included.

Now, the story really starts when Frankie Avalon is a little kid and he sees his family killed by a priest (you never learn why).  After seeing this, he just picks up his little flute and starts to play.  As an adult he keeps it up, replaying Brahm’s Lullaby over and over again because it was the only song his father had time to teach him before he died.  And after he breaks out of the institution, whomever says that they don’t like his music gets killed.  Finally, the handicapped girl he gave the transfusion to just happens to be the one who stumbles upon him digging a grave and burying a body.  So, the chase is on.

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The movie doesn’t start off well and it doesn’t end well either.  It starts with an opening quote by Tennyson that doesn’t make any sense in relation to the movie.  So, we were starting off a little bewildered.  By the end however, my brother was downright livid that I made him watch it at all.  He hated it.  And I have to agree with him on a lot of his points: it was completely unoriginal, the chase music was insipid and overused and the acting (aside from Avalon) could’ve used some work.  All in all, I say stay away.  You’ll be better off.

My score: 36 (I was generous.)  DJ’s score: 19.

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Gehenna: Where Death Lives (2016)

Directed by Hirati Katagiri.  Written by Katagiri, Nathan Long and Brad Palmer.  Starring Sean Sprawling, Katherine Taylor, Patrick Gorman, Simon Phillips, Doug Jones and Lance Henriksen.

Plot: developers looking to build on land in Saipan, stumble onto an evil force of legendary proportions


Five people go to see about this development.  There, they find this bunker which legend tells them not to go into, but they do anyway.  Cause that’s the movie.  Inside, they meet a creepy, entirely too skinny man who somehow knows all their names.  They also find some dead bodies, but soon the bodies and the creepy man disappear.  And by the time they start to freak, they are of course, stuck inside this bunker.

Doug Jones and Lance Henriksen were good as usual, but the movie sucked besides that.  It was very boring and not scary in the slightest.  Plus, even though we didn’t – and still don’t – understand the rules of the film, I ended up figuring out the ending within the first ten minutes of watching it.  Which sucked.  Because I like when things are a bit tougher to crack.  And this ending was just so pedestrian it made us sick.

We don’t recommend.  Not even to the most faithful of horror viewers.

Our score: 27.

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Creature (AKA The Titan Find) (1985)

Directed by William Malone.  Written by Malone and Alan Reed.  Starring Stan Iver, Wendy Schaal, Lyman Ward, Robert Jaffe, Diane Salinger and Annette McCarthy.

Plot: an alien stalks German and US spaceships on Titan, Saturn’s biggest moon


Two scientists arrive on Titan and decide to open this thing they find even though one of them says what a terrible idea it is.  They’re apparently German, but they have no accents.  Then, they both die.  Fast forward a bit and the US spaceship arrives and the creature that escaped and killed the Germans starts to kill the Americans, too.

The movie was sort of interesting, but it’s been done like 904 other times.  And we follow Beth around knowing that no matter how many times she finds herself in peril, she will make it out alive.  It followed a constructive set of rules, but the dialogue was corny, the specials were weak and we weren’t all that impressed with the acting.  There were boob shots though, so there’s that.  But all in all, the movie was less than okay.

We recommend only for the hardcore genre fans of horror/sci-fi.  For anyone else, it is not necessary to see.

Our score: 44.

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From A Whisper to A Scream (AKA The Offspring) (1987)

Directed by Jeff Burr.  Written by Burr, Darin Scott and C. Courtney Joyner.  Starring Vincent Price, Clu Gulager, Terry Kiser, Harry Caesar, Rosalind Cash, Cameron Mitchell, Susan Tyrell, Martine Boswick and Ron Brooks.

Plot: in a small Tennessee town, a librarian relates four horror stories about the town to a reporter with a secret of her own


The first story is about an older man trying to date a much younger co-worker, but when she refuses his advances he kills her.  He even has sex with her corpse.  It’s fantastically original.  DJ saw the quite memorable ending coming, but was still a little shocked.  It was unrealistic and unpleasant, but we liked this one.


The second story revolves around a greedy man on the run from gangsters he crossed.  They shoot him and he ends up in the swamp where a kindly, old black man finds him and cures him.  When the greedy man finds out that the black man holds the key to eternal life, he wants it for himself and will do anything to get it.  Once again, the ending was quite memorable.  And we really liked the story.


The third story is weird and totally unfair.  It’s about a carny who falls for a “regular” woman.  However, the head carny won’t let them be together and she will go to all ends to stop it.  Which is the unfair part.  The story was terrible.  It was a horrible motive and we’re certainly not rewatching this one.


The final story is a little like Children of the Corn minus the religion.  A group of Union soldiers kill another group of soldiers, then they’re kidnapped by a group of children.  It was kinda nonsensical.  No one was likable.  There were no rules.  It was an awful story with an awful script.  We wouldn’t watch this one again either.


Altogether, it was a crap shoot.  We didn’t really like the movie as a whole.  But maybe if you turn it off after the first two stories, you’ll be fine.

Our score: 40.

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