Alone in the Dark (2005)

Directed by the infamous Uwe Boll.  Written by Elan Mastai, Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer.  Starring Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff.

Plot: based on the video game of the same name, a paranormal investigator (Slater) who left the 713 (a group of paranormal agents/soldiers) because he was tired of “playing by their rules”, joins forces with an archaeologist and curator (Reid), who also happens to be his ex-girlfriend, after a mysterious box is opened by some greedy assholes and all hell breaks loose

2005_alone_in_the_dark_008

Do you see this?  They give Tara Reid a gun.  And they make her use all these big words you know she doesn’t understand and doesn’t use in real life.  Really, being anything but a stripper is a little bit of a stretch for her.  She’s just the worst actress in the world.  I’m not just gonna pick on her though.  I love Christian Slater.  Pump Up the Volume has always been one of my faves, but this is no rebellion and it doesn’t make him look cool.  Instead, they have him kicking people like he’s some kind of crazy ninja.  It’s sad.  And as a director Uwe Boll is a little too predictable.  Apparently he’s very well known for using an obscene amount of flashbacks and this movie is no different.

I suppose because they want to pack the same punch the video game has they chocked the movie full of CGI creatures, but they left out anything resembling character development, story, continuity, realism or a set of concrete rules/mythos.  We actually have no idea what the point of the story was other than a battle of good vs. evil.  And isn’t that the plot of most horror movies?  For a supposed budget of $20.000.000 it should not have been this bad.

With an ending that doesn’t satisfy and a soundtrack that sucked as well, the only highlight of the movie is that the Freddy Claws wasn’t all that bad and some of the creatures they spent all that money on actually looked pretty good.  So, out of 100 we give it a 10.

“If they disrupt electricity, how come my flashlight still works?”

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About TaraRomero

I suppose I could list my favorite movies here, but instead I'll give you a strange glimpse into what makes me TaraRomero. 1. When I'm alone I like to sing really loudly to songs I know really well and pretend I'm actually good at it. 2. I am a bonified Hiddlestoner. 3. I have kept a journal for the last 25 years and I still own every one of them. 4. I like ordering travel magazines and picking out trips I'm going to take when I'm rich. 5. I'm currently worrying about my brother. I always worry about my brother. He's younger and it's my job. 6. If I knew I was dying in one hour, I would type a very strange email and then go spend time with my family (including my fur babies). 7. The best non-horror movie I've seen recently is The Giant Mechanical Man. 8. I am obsessed with Bob's Burgers and I watch one episode every night before I go to bed. 9. If I had a son I'd name him Malachai (as in Christian Mythology). If I had a daughter I'd name her Antigone (as in Greek Mythology). 10. My favorite band is and I supposed always will be, Matchbox Twenty. However, the music has become more upbeat lately and I don't like it as much. Just being honest.
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