Directed by Charles E. Sellier Jr. Written by Paul Caimi and Michael Hickey. Starring Robert Brian Wilson and Linnea Quigley.
Plot: Billy’s parents are killed by a man in a Santa suit Billy grows up afraid of them, but then he becomes one sort of accidentally and starts killing everyone
So, in 1971, little Billy (who is so frickin’ cute) sees Santa kill his dad and then his mom. He even tears open her blouse (of course) before slitting her throat so we get a nice gratuitous boob shot. And Billy is scarred. Beyond repair. Although the nuns do try. While Billy goes through some awkward years and becomes a little homely for some reason, he tries to get over his fear of Santa, but it doesn’t work. Grown up Billy (back to being reasonable attractive) gets a job at a store and when needed reluctantly becomes the store’s Santa. And the store’s killer. Dunh-dunh-dunnnnnhhhhh!!
Billy is stupid strong. Don’t know how he does have of what he does. And it’s cheese to the corniest of levels. Almost unwatchable in parts. I mean, you really should be doing something else while watching it. Like cross-stitching perhaps. It keeps me just busy enough to where I don’t throw things at the TV when the picture suddenly gets fuzzy. But don’t worry, it will get unfuzzy again. And then fuzzy again. And then unfuzzy. You should know.
Linnea Quigley is in it and DJ loves her. Of course, that means there’s more boobs. And there’s this really annoying part where she’s naked and runs to answer the door, but she puts on her shorts first – which aren’t even whole shorts – but she doesn’t put on her top – which is a whole top. Like, what?!
Oh, and the soundtrack, which is awesome and awful at the same time, creates this sort of After School Special scene. It’s like we’re watching Gallant (of Goofus and Gallant) doing all the right things with lyrical accompaniment to stress the importance of doing all the right things. It’s hilarious!
There’s some decent effects for 84. I really like the gun shot to the forehead. It looks like there’s a bullet in there. But it wasn’t realistic otherwise and the end was just so obvious and the story was a little too fucked up. But we liked it. Enough to tell you to take a gander at it sometime. If you’re a true blue horror fan, you’ll appreciate it for what it is.
DJ gave it a 44 and I gave it a 53/100.